long time

It's been a bloody long time I know, I remember that I started the year off very very positive I felt, I felt better, stronger after my bout of ill-health but now as a few weeks have gone by I think I have lost sight of the road ahead. I always try to do what is best by the one I spend alot of time with but now I am slipping back into my old ways and this is not a good thing.

Without awareness it is very easy for me to just go back to my old thought patterns where I just take the easy way out, I can be very negative and have a negative outlook on life in general, I guess I am the same as my dad although I have chosen not to bother trying to have a family, I now have that chance never to hurt anyone and so it should be a piece of cake right? Wrong!

All I know now is that I want to complete my OU course, even if this is the only coursework I ever do in my life it will be some accomplishment I can tell you. I have never really been one for school work, not that I don't value it now but I am such an introvert at times that I fear this hinders me somewhat but now I am over half way on this course so it will be an achievement for me.

Buried Sam last week and it was fucking hard for me for a number of reasons, I remember thinking as I walked down the road to her house as the sun was beginning to set 'He will never get to see this' and it was quite sad, I loved Sam, he was a simple being, just wanted to eat, go out and then rest, not alot is it? Wish my life could be that ordered and I never had a hankering for somehting I don't know. Atleast he is at rest which for me is a grand reward. It was his time and he has completed a cycle of life and I believe he was truly loved, even the cat loved him very much.

I suppose I just wish I never welled up when I thought of him or anyone who passes away, I miss him already, it was so nice looking after him, I prefer Sam to most people!

And so someone else leaves me alone, trouble is I don't make friends, not real ones and so it gets tougher as I get older, I don't want attachment, this seems to be my enemy but you can never seem to get away from it, i'm trying though, people are people, big deal, I am good at talking to most people but I do not get close, I just don't, possibly this is because it's a learned thing, I seem to have forgotten attachment so even if I wanted to get attached I couldn't!

I don't like hurting people though and it seems I am getting back to doing that, it's not always my fault but it gets tougher when someone is upset with me. I just have to get on with it, I can't allow this stuff to bring me down cos my life is sacred like everyone elses.

Let's face it, I am a loner, some people are built that way, some are forced into it but some get a chance to be with others and can't, I am one.