now

WOW It's been such a long time since my last blog, so much has happened. My Aunt Rina passed away in March '11, I finished my p-way classes, I have met a couple of nice people, finally been to wales which was awesome and ended an era with tempy which is kind of sad but was an inevitability. I have a regret about Aunty Rina, I just wish I had looked her in the eye and told her what an influence she was and still is to me, I am annoyed but that's the way I am at times, stubborn and immoveable. Paul sent me a link to a site in her honour, she was amazing and enjoyed her time with him, she deserved the best and she got that. Don't know where life is going at the present time but will try to stay strong. Just bought a Maths GCSE course so that should tie me over for a few months.

annoying

Weird eh, I never did do that comptia test, got up and decided fuck it, bloody typical, I even wrote that I wouldn't do it! Anyways what's done is done, crack on with it. Girl is back off hols now and the weirdest thing is I don't miss her at all, don't even miss the cats which is abit odd as it appears that I just don't give a shit anymore, perhaps it's more a case of forgetting people and things very quickly I dunno but I'm not sure it's a good thing.

Listened to a great track on Internet Radio other day so I downloaded the Album and fell in love with it, one or two of the songs really opened up my imagination and my memories, not sure what was happening there but was a nice feeling but one that could not be recaptured sadly. Music does seem to do that to me, the chords play havoc with me. Life goes on.

solitary

Been looking after Tempy's place over the last week or so, got a few chores to do round the place but found it very hard to motivate myself, slowly getting there though! Watched a few films online and been driving back and forth from home to check on the cats and stuff. Managed to book my comptia test for next week which is very positive, one step closer though to what I don't know, I always seem to find a reason not to do stuff or just simply don't do it! This crap has to stop, I'm not getting any younger and can't just let things stay this way, stagnant. Conflicting a bit lately too, brothers step son had bad news to do with his health, big tumor which is malignant and hard to work on but there is always a chance, let's hope it has a happy ending. I do keep having moments where I think back on situations in my life and this brings me down, moments I wish hadn't happened and when I feel this way I always end up back there. I am going to have to force myself to get where I want to be, there really is no other way.

tough day

Got a call that our cat had died.... in that moment the blissful ignorance had subsided and the dread of reality kicked in. Mum was crying on the phone which was tough for me to hear but then I began to dwell on things as per usual, what it was going to be like back at home, those feelings of missing someone yet again, I find that part of life the hardest to stand because I tend to dwell on things deeply and my faith in life rolls away like a tide but the trouble is it IS a part of life.

My theory is that when we love something a part of us transfers over to the person we love, our hearts stay with them and when they pass away a part of us dies aswell, this kills me. In the rare moments when I feel like a father I can pour love out and look after anyone but whenever I do this I ache inside and maybe this is because I transfer some of myself to another and that part of me goes with them, who knows.

better

Went out last night, kind of in a strange solitary mood as per usual so it was the feeling was uneasy but got straight into a deep conversation about history and such like, managed to stay on track though, had a nice time in the end and left according to plan, ultimately I had gotten what I wanted to do out of the way so all good. Been watching alot of House on the pc today although cleaned out my bedroom which always needs doing.

Watching those programs does bring some realisation inside for me, maybe doesn't answer things but certainly helps, I feel quite emotional when I get into TV episodes, then again I always have done.

so much

Must admit I am rather annoyed I have left it so long since my last blog, there has been so much that has gone on which would have been great to write but it's done now and here I am again. Not sure if I have stated but I passed my BTEC National test and passed the railway class exam which is big for me, my dad now knows who his dad is, he seems alot more at peace now. I tend to do alot in the garden these days, trying to stay on track with my aspirations regarding the Computer business, I have an incentive to do better now which is good although still very hard.

The other day I texted a few people I haven't for ages and a surpise culminated from it which is nice, this lady apparently used to lustafter me, typical bloody women, why don't they just say! We have been texting alot as of then and this provides a nice distraction for me. Watching House pretty regularly when I get in from work now, opeing up a few mental passageways for me.

Went up To Manchester again for a great weekend but as per usual things went sour on Monday, never mind eh, I really don't have any more time to devote in playing childish games anymore, tired of it.

My bro's stepson may have cancer, my aunt is getting worse with hers but as far as I am aware I am fine, as harsh as it sounds I do with I could swap with them sometimes, I just don't have much time for life whereas I am certain they do. Typical, no I am not suicidal or depressed, just bored I suppose.

plenty

So many things have passed since the last time i posted, i have encountered a few problems with the person i see regularly, mainly situational and circumstancial problems like her daughters being there too much which hinder our dynamic but i guess that's the nature of the relationship we have. The car broke down massivley too! The day it was due for a service it conked out and we were informed it was the engine that was 'knackered' of which i have my suspicions but it was not about mucking about and so i found an engine and had it sent to my brothers house where he contacted someone he knows to put it in. On a good note i have almost finished a pc repair diploma and now just waiting on the test day then i'll be qualified! My Psychology course is going well too, the car got driven back yesterday then today i got hit with the news of another pet that had died, this time the cat and it's flattened me again, hard and mainly due to the mystery around his death. I'm trying hard to come to terms with the world as that's what generally goes through my mind when i get this kind of news, it seems i rub off a little care on pets and stuff and then they leave me which i know isn't how it works but it's so hard nonetheless.

This weekend is becoming more daunting with the news of the death also of someone else being invited to hang around which makes things so much harder for me but i have taken steps in my mind to minimise any potential flashpoints that often occur when my principles become compromised so that is a start. I'm due to go out tonight though really not up for it at all but atleast i can come home which is a massive plus point as i don't think i could handle pretending to be nice tonight.

Tomorrow is a big big day and to be honest i can't wait to be on the way home, i will try to make it a good day although it's going to be tough at times.

I got accepted to go to an interview to become a mentor although having doubts again due to the committent of it and whether i think i am ready for it, not sure, i need to decide and just do it, this was a positive year and even though i have been kicked a few times i am determined!

Had a few epiphonies over the last couple of days, i watched the imaginarium of doctor parnassus and even though it told a story of old where people choose a righteous path of good or the easy way out of the devil, to which they lose their souls etc it kind of broadened my understanding a little more which i need right now. People these days seem to be more and more depicted as people who want magic in the palm of their hands, they want illusionism, they want everything to be tangible or it is all fake thus sustaining their lust for the easy way out, it has become an era of a ready-to-go and throw-away society where everything is perfomred for a price, currency gets you goods but now it gets you anything you want for minimal effort, maybe it has always been that way but this film expanded on the power of the mind and the imagination which has always been scoffed at and yet is the very engine of realities and science! The imagination produces ideas that then become solidified through theory and experimental research which then become fact as opposed as myth regardless of how vague the results are, if a machine was invented that translated brain signals as dreams then a heading would read 'dreams can be watched on telly!', it's been the case many times and i'm sure will be done again, hence sensationalism!

Death needs to be re-addressed in my mind for my own good as poor minsky has got my mind asking deep deep questions again, i hope i can find comfort in the answers.

been good

It's been a good day today, sunny, warm and productive! Did my course which I said I would and i'm all tired as I write this. Things aint always bad, it's all about context really. Today I just didn't dwell on the usual negative shit but rather enjoyed it for what it was and knowing what I was going to do when I got in helped, I tend nowadays to just do what I said I was gonna do right away, the more I leave it the less it gets done!

Am chatting to that girl again, seems a little better, maybe she was just busy before, who knows, I don't want to think about that rubbish anyway.

in the end

It didnit turn out how I wanted but I kind of hoped it would fail. I knew she wasn't going to be right for me but I enjoyed everything before that point, I could tell she didn't really want to know but I sort of knew that.

Saw her last night and it was a little awkward but it will soon be a distant memory. A few things she said put me off right away, mainly to do with who she had seen and how young minded she was, I just don't have time for those kind of people. I am glad I went to see her because I needed to know it would not ever go anywhere, not that she was into me cos she wasn't that was plain to see.

Before we met I was nervous incase she did sort of like me but it was just apparent that it wasn't ever going to be anything, she is young and has so much to learn and I am old and silly but the attention was wonderful while it lasted, hey ho!

Nice quiet weekend of little or nothing really but managed to get a few things done that I was meant to do ages ago! Going to do some course work that I keep meaning to do now, that will be even more of a productive weekend I suppose, it's all good though and i'm still positive as ever.

fabulous weekend

The first time I have played properly with Miss for a while now but the weekend went really well. Met up on Saturday about 5.30pm, bought dinner and tidied up then got ready to go out which I kinda didn't want to but when we went out it was quite nice aside from nearly getting into a car accident and having to find a cashpoint!

Aside from those little hiccups we had a great time, I got battered and shackled up in some seemingly authenic manacles, the beating I took was quite harsh considering I haven't had that much play this year at all but I took it very well I thought.

Was meant to get up for overtime on Sunday but I fell asleep then decided not to bother, took Miss out shopping instead but before then we kinda had a bit of a debate but instead of rushing out we sorta got over it and if anything we continued the discussion but very positively which was great, had a nice time.

I did feel abit awkward as wanted to bring up this other person I have been texting but I am scared it will upset Miss in some way and I can't handle that sorta thing anymore.

Will hopefully be seeing her on Thursday all things being well and so I look forward to it, it's like things are coming true and in a way it's taken away any form of security in knowing I won't meet anyone, what if....

Well let's just see, I guess making any plans is always the catalyst for a catastrophe, better to just roll on.